I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
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This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.