Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
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i actually laughed 😩
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
looks legit
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*