“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
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Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
This story is comedy gold 😂
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Why is no one talking about this?!
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Tell me you get it…🤣