Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
You Might Also Like
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
LOL!
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.