“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
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Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”