I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
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Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour