Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
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WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Jogging
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?