“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
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It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10