Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
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I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?