“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
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Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Dammit Chief not again
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
If you want my opinion ask my wife