Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
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“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!