Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
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Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.