* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
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If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it