Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
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My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I can’t stop watching this.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed