I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
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The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Well, that should do it
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.