“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
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doing some research
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.