In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
You Might Also Like
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Grandmother clock.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*