Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
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friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple