The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
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Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!