i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
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Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.