My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
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How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.