i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
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Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
definitely did not do anything wrong
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
He’s dead
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.