Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
2023 was just a warmup
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Somebody’s lying.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.