I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
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Hotels are back
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Cause of death: Zumba
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I triple waxed for this?
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.