{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
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Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Love thy neighbor’s dog
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.