5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
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Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Is this the real life?
Is this just
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Fluff me with a fork baby
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!