How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
š“: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
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Does this dress make me look cat?
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like āyouāre beautifulā or āyou can have my last donutā, shit like that
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
What the hell happened here.
i donāt get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i donāt
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: Thatās an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: Thatās a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. Thatās India.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I donāt know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandmaās plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
i bet when fish see itās raining theyāre like āoh cool a refillā
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when itās sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I feel this so hard
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.