I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
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“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Carpe DM
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.