It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
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“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
mmm onion ringos
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Noah was an idiot.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.