Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
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kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
The prophecy is fulfilled
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.