Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
You Might Also Like
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it