I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
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toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”