I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
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[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.