Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
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Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.