[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
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Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
🤣🤣🤣
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.