Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
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On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year