“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
You Might Also Like
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!