You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
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My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Just a phase…
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Never let them know your next move 😂
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.