(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
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[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
This week’s mood.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
consequences, the bane of my existence
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!