Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
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WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Growing up was a huge mistake
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
“A little help here, Danny?”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Today’s Times
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Nomnomnomnom
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come