Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
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SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Can Happiness buy money?
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.