Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
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Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook