Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
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Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Knock Knock
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.