Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
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I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
What personal space?
My dog
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.