“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
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remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Cake safety first. Always.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?