I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
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You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Schrödinger’s cookie
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.