Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
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Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I’d use my best pan on you.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards