I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
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Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
When your man makes a valid point
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I’m crying im so happy for them
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Growing out my freckles.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?