Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
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I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone