My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
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Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
What if all the cashiers are married?
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
the three branches of government
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them